To Write To You
by bleach.and.ink
Summary: A series of letters the Scoobies wrote to their beloved Buffy after her tragic final death doing what she always did, saving the world. Post season 5, preseason 6. My personal favorite.
1. Dawn's Letter

Title: Letters

Disclaimer: not mine, never will be.

A/N: Randomly conceived this idea for all of the Scoobies left after some big epic battle (information undisclosed… J) were asked to write letters to Buffy by none other than Giles. Buffy was lost, her own finale, in the battle to save the world yet again. This time, she's truly dead, without any hope of resurrection. And here's what the Scoobies each have to say about their beloved Buffy, and what is going on at the current time with the rest of the gang…enjoy (kinda depressing…)

Buffy,

Giles asked us to do this. Although none of us really know why. I mean, it's kind of a stupid idea, writing a letter to someone who's never gonna get it because, well, you're kind of dead. But he asked us to do it, and it's Giles, so I mean, we're all sitting here writing you letters. I guess he's gonna burn them or something, hoping you can read them in the ashes that float up to heaven. Wouldn't that be nice? Or wouldn't it be even better if you could just come up out of the ground again and be okay? And live with us again, making things right in the world like you always do? But that's not gonna happen either, because, well, you're dead, you got killed in that final battle, but you saved us Buffy. Not like Spike did, but you saved us all, somehow you managed to win it. You make us really proud.

I don't really know what I'm supposed to be writing to you about. I mean, you can probably watch us from where you are, just moseying around like not a lot has changed. Giles is not doing okay. He had really big hopes of you, after Spike and that whole soul issue he thought you'd actually found a companion, one you and we all trust. Poor Giles, I mean, you were like a daughter to him. He wanted you to out live him. He says a lot of times that if he could re-enact what happened, he'd of taken your place, no doubt. I mean, come on, you and Spike were looking at engagement rings! He has shipped off all of his dusty old books to other watchers around the world, says he has no use for them anymore and they just remind him of you. They reminded all of us of you, so we're all kind of glad he got rid of them. (They smelled really funny too.)

Willow's okay. I don't know if I'd be holding up as well as she is after seeing both you die, and Tara die, before you, you know. She's kind of lost her mind a little, she sings a lot, and won't laugh at anyone's jokes. She's taken over the guest room, because Giles took mom's room, since Willow wouldn't go near it after Tara got shot. I'm still in my room, and Xander sleeps on the couch. God only knows what Spike does anymore, we don't see much of him.

Spike's not doing well at all. We see him on occasion when he stops by to ask if you've come back yet. He keeps hoping that he'll see you, and you can see it in his eyes when he hears someone walk down the stairs to ask who it is, but the color always leaves his eyes and he stalks out of the house. I followed him once, found him sitting by your grave, crying so hard his body was shaking. I wanted to go over and sit next to him, but didn't want to disturb him. The next time I saw him I made sure I gave him a hug though. Said it was from you, and that made him smile, the only smile he's had since the day before you died. He won't tell stories anymore, and he just sits in the basement and cries. I've never seen or heard a man cry so much, but Spike makes up for it. He just keeps going and going, he really loved you Buffy. Every night, after he comes in (I think he sneaks off to your grave. Willow wants to make it off limits to him, but no one has the heart) he writes something down in a book he keeps hidden in the basement, and then says "Grace my dreams once more my love, let me save you once again, see your smiling face again, let me let you live again." And then he curls up with Mr. Gordo and cries. I don't think he's slept or eaten anything in a while. It's really sad and miserable. Xander made the mistake one day of telling him to stake himself if he was just that depressed and Willow and I went down to do laundry and found him bleeding from a wound in his chest where he had managed to barely miss his heart with a stake. He laughs about it now, but I think he wishes it hadn't missed.

Xander cried the first few days, and now just mopes around like the rest of us, trying to cheer us up with the Snoopy dance, or some joke, but nothing works. I feel so bad for him, he tries, but we just can't get over the fact that we lost you. We go on patrol three times a week, but don't ever find anything, of course, we wouldn't because you shut off any hellish demons from coming into this universe again. But it still would be nice to see something. It feels so strange not having a vampire to attack. Back to Xander- it's really amusing to see him try to cook. Wish you were here to try his food, some of it's as bad as mine, it just looks better. He does a lot of fixing up of the house. You wouldn't believe it now, it's just had so much work done to it. It's beautiful. Giles said we should sell it, I should move in with Willow, Xander should get a real job, and Spike should just leave, but no one has the heart too. Giles hasn't brought it up again, Xander said there was no way he was leaving the house, after all it's been through, it probably wouldn't stand up without the Scoobies inside of it.

Buffy, we all miss you. Sometimes we wish if we see a fresh vamp grave, that it would be you so that Will could restore your soul and things would be back to normal. But we found that that will never happen. You're grave is covered in flowers, we picked you out a plot overlooking the park. I love to go up and sit there and talk to your headstone. I know you can't hear me, but it's nice to have a big sis who I can talk to and not give me smart ass comments back. But Buffy, I miss you, I wish you were back here with me. I have no clue what to do about boys (and Willow's no help), prom or any of the other high school things I still have yet to experience. I've got this family Buffy, but none of them are you, none of them can give me 'Summers' hugs, or make hot cocoa like you and mom did with the little marshmallows. No one can make Spike act like Spike again, except you Buffy. It hurts so bad to know that you're gone Buffy. It hurts so bad that I don't want to feel anymore. Buffy I miss you so much, you're my sister and my best friend, why won't you come back to me? I love you Buffy, with all my heart.

Love,

Dawn


	2. Willow's Letter

A/N- don't know if the edit on the first chapter will show up, made a goof, hopefully it'll get fixed, or you just didn't notice… Here's to hoping things fix themselves!

Buffy,

Wow, I mean, what is there to write down for you? I'd feel more constrained if I knew you were going to read this, but since your overlooking the park, it's kind of hard to believe you'll ever get to see it. Why Giles is making us write these I have no earthly idea. Possibly to make himself feel better that he had us do some kind of tribute to you, the longest living slayer, his slayer, or just out of the fact that he thinks maybe you will get them, and come back to us. I tried, I really did, but there was no way to use magic to bring you back again. Buffy, I tried so hard but I couldn't do it. I let you down, I failed you.

I've failed you in so many aspects. The battle, I couldn't hold up the protection field long enough, maybe if I had been able to hold it up longer, you would have lived, instead of diving into the fire to save us all. It's all a matter of what if's now though Buffy. You're gone, and part of it's my fault. I couldn't save you with all the magic I knew. I tired you out worrying over if I was okay after Tara died, and my psycho phase. I wish I could have helped you instead of hindering you Buffy, but I feel like all I did was get in the way. This is the part where you're supposed to lend me some kind words saying, 'No Will, you're the bookworm, that's your specialty, and without that, there would be no point because we'd all be dead.' But those words will never come from your lips, because, well, your lips are sealed.

I wish I could have known what it was like to be the slayer. To be all big and bad ass and strong. I really wish I could have. I mean, I know I'm not much, and I didn't help with much, I mean, I ripped you out of heaven, but still, I wish I could have shared in a little bit of what was going on in your life. You tried so hard to include me and Xander, and I can't fault you or anyone for that, you shouldn't have, but you did. But I still wish I knew what it was like to have the world resting on your shoulders. I mean, when I was at wicca rehab it felt like that, but only for a little while, then things just kind of faded away and got all peaceful. Like with fluffy bunnies and stuff. But I couldn't share in that burden with you Buffy, even when all the little Slayer's came into your house, I felt out of place because I wasn't one of them. I wasn't one of you guys, and I felt left out no matter how hard you tried. I guess it's just because I never realized how big of a responsibility it was to be a slayer, because I'd never had to deal with that before. (And I'm kinda glad I didn't have too…)

I guess I should give you a little heads up on everybody instead of whining about how things could have been. Dawn's doing better than the rest of us, I think she locks it all up inside, but she's getting good grades, but she's worried about boys, and prom and Spike. Wow, I wish I was in high school again, worrying about boys and prom. She worries to much about Spike though. I don't want her to get her feelings for the poor vampire to get in the way of school. I always was the academic minded one wasn't I? Xander's doing okay, I guess. He barely talks to me or anybody else, and his cooking is horrific. It's almost worse than Dawn's, which is definitely hard to beat for nasty meter. He does his Snoopy dance on a daily basis though, and you can only smile at that. Even if it is for a short period of time, I think it helps to lighten everyone's mood. Leave it to Xander to find away to make people laugh even in the face of total and utter despair. Spike is hopelessly lost without you. I remember you telling me the two of you wanted to talk to the other-worldly-being who established an actual bond between Tara and I, and you saying that you and Spike were looking at engagement rings. Well, he's kind of losing it. Dawn will probably tell you, but we went down to do laundry one day and there he was lying face down on the floor, not moving with a puddle of blood coming out from under him. It was the scariest sight we'd both seen in the house in a long long time. We managed to roll him over and look at this nice gaping wound in his chest with a pencil sticking out of it. He said something along the lines of, 'It didn't work' and passed out. We fixed him up, turns out Xander had said something offensive and Spike took it seriously and made the attempt to stake himself, just kind of underestimated the size of the pencil and just wounded himself. Now he laughs at it, but we all still worry for Spike's well being. He's just lost without you Buffy. Giles has picked him up many nights at your grave, with tear stains running down his cheeks and dirt in his hands from when he tries to dig up your grave to see if they made some mistake. We've found it a few times with multiple piles of dirt lying scattered around the gravesite, his hands bloody and caked in mud from when he tries to dig you out. It's so sad and depressing Buffy, he's miserable without you. I hope you see how much he actually cares for you. I know you were starting to realize that before, but he was and always will be totally enamored by you. I don't think any other woman has crossed his mind since you finally let him into your heart. I'm just sorry for both of you that the happiest thing to happen to you both in your lifetimes had to end because I couldn't handle the pressure. I'm sorry Buffy, I really am. It's all my fault you two can't be married in your backyard by candle light in a few weeks. It makes me want to hang myself everytime that I think I messed up that spell, and you had to go rushing in to save us. I'm so sorry Buffy, I'm so sorry.

Please forgive me for everything, 

Willow


	3. Xander's Letter

Buff, 

Hey, what to write, what to write. Giles put us all back in school and is requiring us all to write you these letters. If you ask me, he's gone more whack than the normal Giles the librarian, but whatever. So writing a letter to a dead friend, it's kind of hard, and awkward, like the first time I met you, managed to fall off my skateboard. Wow, I was definitely a clumsy guy. Still am, still the same old Xander, well, minus the eye… It's hard to believe that it was just about 8 years ago I first said 'Hi' to you, and now, we're all grown up, and you're not here anymore. Sometimes I look around thinking, 'maybe she's gone to visit someone and will be back.' But you don't ever come back. It's hit me now that you're really gone, and I don't know what to do now. It's like we're all lost without you. You were our glue in this dysfunctional work of art, and once the glue disappears, we all start falling apart. We all really do miss you, and now that you're gone, I think it's hit us that there's no way to ever bring you back. No matter how hard we try, we've got to go on without you. Without our rock, without our Buffy.

It's been kind of uneventful without you around, no demons, no vampires, just dead air. Ever since we all hauled ass to get to Cleveland, and that last apocalypse that cost you your life, there hasn't been anything paranormal. It makes me begin to wonder if all of this was just a dream, and if I'm waking up now to discover myself 8 years older and that it was all fake. It really made me rethink all that's gone on, it's like, you showed up and bad stuff happened, now you're gone, we're all miserable, but everyone's okay. Things will never be back to normal, but we're not doing so horribly. Or at least no one shows it.

Willow probably told you Dawn is doing alright in school, well, given the circumstances. She seems more distant though, Dawn. I mean, she's a good kid, but she doesn't talk to anyone about anything anymore. She used to talk to me about all kinds of stuff, and want to play all these board games with me, now she will barely say 'Hi' to me. I think it's really tearing her up inside, not having any real family left. I mean, we're her family, but we're not related, we're not Summers' and I feel bad for her. But there's not much we can do. We tried to find your dad, but he was 'too busy' to do anything, which is obviously the norm for him anymore. He used to send checks for her, but those have stopped coming, a few weeks after they started. She's such a sweetheart, but there's nothing we can do for her. She doesn't think she'll get a date to the prom, doesn't think any guy will ever like her because of who she is now. She's just really depressed, and miserable. We wish you were here to help out with that.

Will's been doing, well, she's been Will. Locking herself in her room for periods of time, typing on her computer, wishing she could have done something differently to protect you when you dove into that ring. I keep trying to tell her it's not her fault, and convincing here there was nothing else she could have done, but she's Will, and she won't believe a word I say. She knows it's true deep down, but she just doesn't want to realize that you're really gone. You're the first girl to really accept her, and stick with her through her ups and downs, and she misses you like crazy. I don't think the fact that your death and Tara's death were within the matter of a couple years helped either. But there's not much we can do about it, but try to get Will help. Yet again, something else that needs to be done. Buffy, you used to be able to fix all of this.

The undead bleach boy nobody seems to really know anything about. I've done my best to be nice to him, especially after you came to talk to me about being his best man at your wedding. I don't understand why he couldn't do it, but it made sense, and it helped me understand you two really cared for each other. I didn't necessarily think it was the greatest idea to have crossed your mind, but then look, I was gonna marry a demon, so I guess in all reality, we're not that different. But the undead wonder just sits in the basement sulking, made an attempt to stake himself. He hasn't been doing much though, does come back a few nights after dark and ask if you're here. Can't stand watching the guy suffer, it's hard, especially since I cared that much about you, just never had the guts to show it.

Yeah, if you hadn't noticed over the past 8 years, Buffy, I liked you… A lot. Thus the whole, dating Cordelia phase and such. I just never had the guts to confess to you how much I liked you. I mean, I've always been a wimp when it comes to girls, and you weren't like other girls, you could have beat the crap out of me without breaking a sweat or a nail. You scared me half to death, and the whole, random introduction the undead after meeting you was kinda strange too. But still, I stayed by your side through thick and thin Buff, I kinda wished you had noticed that. But I got over the fact you could never like me like that, got myself into the Anya thing, and forgot about how I felt for you. Until I lost Anya when Sunnydale went to hell. Losing her made me realize I didn't want to lose you too. That was why I accepted the whole, you and Spike thing, and didn't really make a big deal out of it. I wanted you to be happy and realized that there was probably little way for me to make you happy. Well, other than my stupid jokes and random dances I make up.

But now, you're gone, and I can't tell you that face to face. I guess in a way it's better, just so I didn't have to deal with the embarrassment I would have had to deal with. I wish there had been something I could have done though. Watching you burn in that ring, and then just plummet to the ground was the worst experience of my life. I've never actually felt my heart break before, I just lost it. So did everybody else. I was the first to walk over to your body, Spike was still battling off some monster, watching us run towards you lying on the ground. I don't think he thought you had fallen, I think he thought it was someone else. So he just kept fighting. It was horrific Buffy, to see you lying there, broken and battered, it was like nothing else I'd ever seen. Your eyes were wide open, your mouth was partially open, you've never looked so beautiful or so fragile. You were broken everywhere, Willow wanted to cast a spell to fix you but Giles said no. He said you were gone. That there was nothing this time that could bring you back. It was just to much for you to handle, and to leave you in peace. That made us all start crying, no one cared at that moment. We'd lost our warrior, there was nothing we could do for you Buffy and we all wanted to die right there with you. Spike came over after killing the last of the demons. He said something along the lines of 'What the hell is that thing?' and when he saw you he just broke down. He collapsed to the ground and cried so hard his body was shaking. He kept saying 'no, no it can't be. Love, come back to me.' Buffy, I swear I've never seen anyone be as passionate as he was. We called the paramedics, but when they got there they said you were dead. We already knew that. I don't think I've ever felt so heavy and just terrified of what was going to happen. Miss you a lot Buffy, I don't think a day goes by in this house where someone doesn't do something that reminds us of you.

We all visit you a lot, sitting up there, overlooking the park. Dawn picked out the spot for you. She'll never admit it, but she wanted you to be there instead of buried next to Joyce. It's really a beautiful spot, you can see lots of things, as long as you look straight ahead, you don't see the cemetery behind you. We did it that way, so that you could just forget the unhappy stuff, and look out over something as beautiful as you. I spend a lot of time up there, just thinking about how things could have been, if this mess hadn't happened. If Anya hadn't died, if you hadn't died, how I could have made things different. It really is a place you would love Buffy, I hope you can see it from where you are.

You're gone though, and there's nothing we can physically do to bring you back. I don't want you to ever become a wisp of a memory in my mind. I don't think I could let that happen. I love you Buffy, always have, and always will. Don't forget that, ever.

My love always,

Xander


	4. Giles' Letter

Elizabeth Anne Summers- Buffy,

How you and I ever made it this far was a miracle, to lose you like that was a tragedy, and the aftermath of it all is total chaos. Never in my wildest dreams did I expect to be the watcher (or ex-watcher, as Quentin Travers decided) of the longest living slayer in the history of slayer lineage. It only amazes me, that such a brash, and almost uncontrollable young woman as you were could turn into such an amazing woman, as you had become. I am most amazed at your talents, your willingness to fight for another, and your ability to balance a relatively normal life with that of the chosen one. You are like my own daughter Buffy, and that is how I will always think of you.

Your death was quite a devastating event. The rest of the 'Scoobies' as you called them, and I cried for days on end. It was as though we had all lost part of ourselves when we lost you Buffy. You are, and will be forever, greatly missed. I look back now and wonder if there was something different I could have possibly taught you about the Cleveland hellmouth that would have aided in keeping you alive. It haunts me to know that you are actually gone from us, and will not be returning. I kept Willow from ruining herself once again to attempt to bring you back to life after we found your body. It wasn't fair to you to pull you out of heaven again. You have done enough for many lifetimes Buffy, it was finally time for you to take a rest out of the routine.

I have never worked with a slayer so unwilling to cooperate. After meeting you I was sure you were doomed to not make it past your 18th birthday. Did you ever prove me wrong. There was always something about you, a fire inside that I had never seen in the slayers before you. They all seemed dull and robotic, going through the motions with no passion. I believe actually allowing you to live a semi-normal life brought that glow to you, it let you have something to fight for. I'm am very proud of you Buffy, you fought you're hardest all the time, and you never truly gave up on anyone or anything. You are, and always will be Buffy Summers.

You are like a daughter to me. I taught you things you'd never learned to deal with before, I aided in raising you, even in your mother's disapproving eye, I still helped. I wished I could have a daughter like you, you brought me to my senses when I made stupid decisions, and kept me alive through all of this. You should be proud of what you accomplished, what differences you made in the world, and be proud of how many times you saved the world, even if I didn't think you would be able to do it. I can only hope you thought of my like a father figure and not just like a watcher, because you were not just a slayer to me, but a daughter. I know I have said that many times, and it is getting repetitive, but it is the truth Buffy, I love you like I would love my own.

Losing you was not like losing any slayer before you. Even in my Ripper days people died, but I never felt an uncontrollable loss. I never felt as though my heart had been ripped out and trampled on. Losing you Buffy was like tearing off one of my own limbs and sacrificing it to a O'halakin demon. Look at me, even bringing demons into this which I thought to write, and wanted to keep it demon free.

You always brought a smile to my face. Even though I never showed it, when you would make fun of me for wiping down my glasses when I got nervous, I smiled. When you poked fun at me for wearing tweed and my musty old book collection, I still had to smile. You did it in such a way that one could do nothing but smile. You were the ever glowing light in my life, which has now died.

I got rid of all of my musty books and tweed jackets. They all got shipped off to the next watcher in line. I couldn't bear to keep them around when they would be no use to me and reminded me daily of you. I think the rest of the people in the house were quite glad too, they smelled quite old. It makes me free to do other things with my life, but I believe for now I'm going to reside in this house, helping to pay the bills and keep the place relatively tidy. We had suggested we all split up and Willow take Dawn, but Dawn was not happy with that suggestion, and I believe it would have been extremely difficult on Willow. She herself seems to be doing alright, as does Dawn. Dawn has been doing exceptionally well with school given the circumstances, and I believe will graduate with some kind of honors. Although, like you, she worries about boys and clothes and all of the high school things you were quite enamored with. Xander has been alright, he and Dawn attempt to cook dinner together, a very solemn time, which usually doesn't turn out to wonderful and we order pizza. He tries, but I don't think he realizes that time is what people need here. The humans, I believe have been doing better than your fiancé. Although I did not totally approve of your choice to marry Spike, it was what you wanted so I went along with it. He has been sitting in the basement, crying for hours on end. He goes out at dusk and comes back before the sun rises, sometimes asking if you've come home yet. The poor vampire has gone almost a little delirious. He is all disheveled and for a week or so, would not eat a thing. Nothing has depressed me more than to see him wander through the house looking for you. Sometimes he goes up to your room and locks the door. Disturbing him would be inappropriate, but we hear him talk to you, and cry more. We removed all the pictures of you from the walls, as to help keep him somewhat sane. I've discovered he also goes out late at night and sits by your grave, protecting you, and waiting for you to come out of the ground. He misses you more than I can imagine Buffy. We all do, it's been so very hard on all of us. 

I send with this letter, a poem I found, written by another slayer, from the early 1700's. It was in one of the watcher's journals I was flipping through and thought it to be beautiful. It describes you perfectly Buffy.

She was made to shine in the sun

Hair flowing, a tribute to beauty

But she lives in the darkness

Beauty being blinded by evil

Ever cowering under her hand

A stake, a cross, and water from the church

She never falters, never fails

Coming through to yet again

Save the unknowing world

What she does, not another soul knows

Nor do they understand

The pain, the loneliness, or the gift

Her gift, their death

A painful combination

A beauty hidden, something never seen

Always because she is fighting for another

She never falters, never fails

Quick hands, quick feet make her prevail

Until the final conquest she takes

Alone in the beginning

Alone in the end

Alone as in her final battle, she breaks.

Your watcher, your friend, your father,

Rupert Giles

A/N- poem by yours truly. J it's mine!


	5. Spike's Letter

My love,

"Buffy, I have no idea even where to start writing this to you, or why I should even bother writing something to you. I love you. There is nothing more to be said on that. But why did you risk your life? Why couldn't you let me do that? I would have gladly traded you places, life without you is worse than the tortures of hell, the pain of knowing I will never see your face again burns worse than my soul. You were my everything Buffy, I can't function without you, I made a sad attempt to kill myself. It bloody didn't work, which depresses me more. I can't even seem to kill myself. I don't want to ever live without you, that was why we made that bond. Even in death, we promised each other. Even in death, I will forever be yours. For even in my death, I love you. I'm coming to join you in whatever lies beyond the perils of death, I love you too much to live like this. A shamble, a shadow of what you made me. Buffy, I'm coming for you, I'm coming to spend the rest of eternity with you."

Willow knocked on Buffy's bedroom door. Spike had been in there an excessively long time. The sun was beginning to rise, and she knew that Buffy didn't have heavy drapes on her windows. Spike didn't answer, so she knocked again. She heard him sniffle inside, and decided to leave him alone. She'd check back later.

Dawn walked up to the door, another set of tears resting still inside her eyes. She knew what had happened. Spike hadn't been heard from in over a day and a half. Willow had last seen him in Buffy's room, no one ever saw him leave. He never did. Dawn reached for the door handle, but thought better of it. She'd let them have their peace. They'd both suffered enough.

Spike watched the sunrise, it was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen, second only to that of the face of his smiling love. "It's as beautiful as you are love." He whispered as he felt the warmth over take him. It was what he wanted, to live no more in the shadow of her death, but to die alongside her, to live by her side in the afterlife forever. Never letting go of her. He'd fight to get into heaven, she'd be there to fight alongside him, as they had, and now, would forever more.

His ashes lay scattered along the window sill, blowing up towards heaven with the wind. And Mr. Gordo fell softly to the ground, without a sound.

THE END

Hope you liked it! Please review!!! I know the ending is not how most would have planned it… I may actually write Spike's letter out, depending on if anyone reads and reviews this, and says they'd like to read Spike's letter. :-)


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